Too Slow
by Selena Marie Weasley
Summary: Set during 2x12. After blaming himself for Iris getting hurt, Barry finally visits her in the hospital and lets go of his guilt. Rated T for swearing. Barry/Iris
Author's Note:

This takes place during 2x12 some time after Joe and Wally visit Iris in the hospital and before Barry and the team decides to go to Earth-2. I decided there obviously needed to be a scene where Barry visits Iris. This is my first time publishing something I've written for The Flash fandom. I have other pieces written that I might publish too. Enjoy!

* * *

Too slow. Too fucking slow.

He sits alone in the lab with his head in his hands as he replays it over and over in his head until he drives him crazy. He's pretty sure that one shard of glass is going to give him nightmares.

He blames himself even though deep down he's aware it wasn't his fault. Wells was the one who took his speed, Wells made him slower. But it doesn't matter because Iris almost _died._ He should have been able to save her and even if it's not directly his fault he will always blame himself when Iris gets hurt, because it's _Iris._ And he was too slow.

Too fucking slow.

Joe called him an hour ago to tell him that she woke up, that she's okay. The relief that he feels is enough to ease some of the self-blame. Not all of it. He has yet to move from his chair. He wants to see her, see her for himself and yet he can't bring himself to do so. Afraid she'll blame him, afraid to look her in the eyes, afraid to see her in pain. All because of him. Because he couldn't save her.

Because he was too slow.

There's something else weighing on his mind. Wells. He knows he should be deciding what to do with him, the others want to send him back to Earth-2, but there's a part of him that just can't do that. It doesn't seem right to him. There has to be another option. Because for some reason he doesn't hate Wells. He understands why the other man did what he did. He would do the same thing if it was Iris or Joe or Cisco or Caitlin. He knows he would. So really he can't blame Wells for trying to help his daughter and he doesn't hate him either.

It's the middle of the night before he decides to finally go and see her. He's done wallowing in self-pity. He hasn't been by her side enough in the past few months, he's been the worst best friend in the world. Too busy dealing with his own shit to help her with hers and he knows she hasn't had an easy time either. He needs to tell her this because he could have lost her today and he doesn't think he would be able to live with himself if he didn't make this right or if she had died without knowing.

He's sure that Joe and Wally have gone home by now as visiting hours are over. But he doesn't care, he "flashes" to the hospital and to her room without anyone noticing. Pausing he stands in the doorway watching her sleep for a moment. She's laying on her back hands resting on her stomach, head tilting slightly to the side, lips parted. She's pale much too pale for his liking and he can see the bandage on her shoulder, a small dark spot in the middle of it. He thanks god that it was only her shoulder. It could have been much worse.

Now he moves slowly to take a seat next to the bed. He doesn't want to wake her. Gently he grabs her hand in both of his and holds it. He listens to the steady beeping of the machine telling him she's alive. Then without really thinking it through her brings her hand up to his mouth and kisses her fingers, finally finding strength to speak. Even if she's not awake to hear him he needs to talk.

"I'm so sorry, Iris," he starts, his voice a quiet, a low rumble, but loud enough that she would be able to hear it if she was awake. "I should have protected you. Even though we both know you can take care of yourself, I should have been faster. God, I thought I was going to lose you, I came so close to losing you. And I-," he stops feeling his throat get thick with emotion and his eyes sting. "I don't know what I'd do if-" he can't finish that sentence, because he doesn't know the answer and because it's too much to even think about right now. "I'm sorry." Because he is, he doesn't think it can say it enough. He doesn't say anything else just closes his eyes and keeps her hand against his lips.

He's hunched awkwardly over the bed, almost asleep, with her hand still in his when she stirs. It's good he didn't fall asleep he's not sure how bad the nightmares would have been, but he know he would have had one. His eyes open and raises his head to see hers cracking open. She looks around the room and then up at him, confusion clouding her face. Any other time and he would have found it adorable, not like he'd tell her that because she hates being called adorable.

"Barry?" her voice is hoarse as she speaks his name and it cracks. She sounds like hell, but she's alive and that's all that matters.

"Hey," he says, and his voice is just as hoarse. He's so relieved she's awake that he gets to see her eyes open. That he gets a chance to talk to her. She gives him a smile and he just about loses it. Dropping her hand he leans forward, his head coming to rest near her hip, trying not to hurt her, but she doesn't make a sound. Instead he feels her fingers in his hair. Comforting him. It should be the other way around, but it feels so good he can't complain or do anything to stop it.

"I'm okay, I promise," she tells him because he needs to hear it. Needs to hear it from her.

When he thinks he can look at her without bursting into tears he lifts his head and takes her hand again. "I'm sorry," he says again like a broken record and she rolls her eyes, probably expecting his words.

"Don't-"

" _Iris_." Her name stops her immediately. The way he manages to say those four letters with so many emotions amazes him. But really he just loves saying her name, the way it falls from his mouth so easily. He meets her eyes and takes a deep breath. "I-" but then he stops. _I love you. I'm sorry. I was too late. I should have been there for you. I can't lose you, I don't know what I'd do._ There were so many things he could have said, but he can't say the words out loud.

"Shh," she soothes as he leans to her hip again, her hand in his hair again. "I know." Her words echo in his head. _I know. I know. I know._ Calming him down a little bit. Even though he is unsure of what he was exactly going to say, she knows him better than he knows himself sometimes. She probably knows all the different things he wanted to tell her.

They stay like that for a while. He still has one of her hands in his while her other sifts through his hair. He wants to stay like this forever, but the angle is making his neck uncomfortable. Eventually he lifts his head and he hopes it will be for the last time.

He's ready to tell her everything. Or at least he hopes, but he doesn't plan on letting go of her hand, drawing strength from her. And once he opens his mouth everything comes flowing out. He tells her how he should have protected her even though they both know she can take care of herself. How he was too late to stop that damn shard of glass, how it's because Wells stealing his speed that she was injured. Then he goes on to apologize for everything. Everything since the singlulrity when Eddie died. He doesn't know if she wants to hear it, but he needs to say it, to finally get it off his chest. He apologizes for not being there when she was dealing with Francine, or when Francine died a week ago. He should have been there. He stops and looks at her, almost pleading her to forgive him.

"Oh Barry," she says quietly. It's her way of accepting his apology, even if she doesn't want to hear or think about all of those things. He can tell she's not okay with him bottling all of this up. Her free hand reaches out to trail her fingers along the side of his face. "It's okay, you're here now."

He swears to her that he's going to be there from now on. Because he wants his best friend back, needs his best friend back. He doesn't know if he will be able to deal with defeating Zoom without her at his side. Without her strength and support and belief that he can do it.

He still loves her. He doesn't think that will ever go away. And sometimes he wonders if she feels the same way, because they way they are looking at each other right now, the way she's watching him with a smile on her face makes him want to kiss her. They're both leaning towards each other and internally he's grinning because she wants to kiss him too. But then he realizes this can't happen. Not right now at least. So before it gets too close to turn back he lifts his head so he can press a kiss to her forehead instead. It's a hard kiss and he squeezes his eyes shut, feeling her hand grip his arm.

"It's okay," she tells him, like she knows exactly what he is thinking.

And that's when he really starts to believe it's okay. That it will be okay as long as he has her. So he smiles against his forehead before whispering, "Iris."

* * *

"I don't know what I'm going to do," he tells her a little later. "If we send him back through and close the breach I won't have to worry about Zoom anymore, but…"

"His daughter is still in danger," she supplies when he trails off.

He nods. "Exactly. I can't just let that go. He obviously loves her and would do anything for her. I mean would any of us really not do anything to save someone we love?" He asks this looking directly in her eyes.

"I would do anything," she answers.

"Me too."

He holds her gaze for another moment as they both realize what had just passed between. It's no secret how he feels about her. Even a year later after he first confessed to her and a couple of girlfriends in between he still loves her. He's pretty sure that love he has for her is never going to go away.

Then he squeezes her hand. "You should get some rest," he suggests. He should get some too, he thinks, but he'd rather stay here with her and make sure she is okay.

"So should you," she says quietly, but he just shrugs and she lets it go. "Stay till I fall asleep?"

He nods. "Yeah," he answers equally as quiet.

With a smile she closes her eyes and he keeps a hold on her hand. He should feel creepy watching her sleep, but he doesn't, he's watching over her, making sure nothing else happens to her. It doesn't take her long to fall asleep, soon her breathing evens out and he can tell she's asleep. He doesn't want to leave, but he feels exhaustion taking over and he knows falling asleep hunched over he bed is not option. He would regret it in the morning and she wouldn't be too happy with him either.

So he stands up, leans over and kisses her forehead once again. "Goodnight, Iris," he whispers.

He runs home and collapses in bed and falls asleep almost instantly.


End file.
